A Manifesto By Martin Sargent
With Patrick Norton away tending to his newborn child, I thought I’d take this opportunity to explain why I’d be a better host than him not only of Tekzilla, but also of Systm. I think the primary answer is in the question. Patrick Norton is away tending to his newborn child. What does that tell you? That Patrick Norton must have had sex. So right there, he should be disqualified as host, for how can he honestly relate to this geeky audience, none of whom are probably getting any? That’s why I am a better choice, along with David Randolph and perhaps Joey .
Now then, what would I do as host? First off, no more boring crap like Blu Ray vs. HD DVD or a whole episodes about batteries. Lame! No, my tech projects would be exciting, hard-hitting and add value to your lives. Such as the following:
I’d teach you how to create your very own RoboDump 1.0. RoboDump 1.0 is a robot that poos. Or more accurately, it’s a robot that fools people into thinking that it’s pooing. To the untrained eye, RoboDump 1.0 appears like a man in a bathroom stall dropping a deuce. And it sounds like that as well. A man dropping a terrifying, mind-bending, universe-shattering deuce. Listen:
In reality, the RoboDump 1.0 is a fake set of legs with some sound chips and speakers and wires and stuff attached. But I wouldn’t stop there. I’d create RoboDump 2.0, which has all the features of RoboDump 1.0 but also tries to solicit sex from the man at the next stall. And then I’d create RoboDump 3.0, which is merely Dave Randolph chained to the toilet, after being force fed a dizzying amount of laxatives.
But wait, there’s more. I’d also show you how to create really cool case mods! Case mods that make sense. For example, aren’t you tired of your desk being covered with empty liquor bottles? Yeah, me too. But cleaning is hard and takes away from time better spent gaming and hacking, so why not just create a case mod that is an empty liquor bottle, like this one:
This is an entire computer hidden tastefully in an empty bottle of Ballantine’s Scotch Whiskey. Sure, there might be cooler case mods out there, such as this old favorite that looks like a weapon of mass destruction, but can you drink a WMD? I’ve tried, and the answer is a resounding no. So take that, Patrick Norton! I win.
Finally, I’d undertake projects that offer true value to you, my adoring audience. For example, it’s no secret that we’re hurtling towards the Great Undoing, the apocalypse that will occur at the end of the Mayan Calendar on December 21, 2012. So if the geeks are truly to inherit the earth, we must be prepared. That’s why I’d teach you how to create a gas mask out of common computer parts such as a CPU fan, a disk cleaner and a CD case.
But a gas mask will not be enough when Galactica invades on July 25, 2011. It might get you through 2009’s Great War of Sorrows with the Red Chinese, but not the invasion of Galactica. Let’s not be silly. For that, you’ll need to know how to build your very own cabinet shelter safe room, which is an inexpensive, easy, and space-saving way to protect yourself from biological, chemical, nuclear and space poison contaminents.
So for the reasons I’ve just outlined, plus my universal appeal, and my near-complete basement project to re-engineer a dialysis machine to cure hangovers, I should be the host of Tekzilla (www.revision3.com/tekzilla) and Systm (www.revision3.com/systm) on Revision3, not Patrick Norton. Next time, I’ll explain why it would make sense for me to also replace Alex Albrecht on Diggnation.